Read Chapter 9 “The Different Groups of Parents”
The Christmas Preparation
12. Dec.2018
Somehow the girls found out that their dad has moved on and is seeing another mum from our school. I surely didn’t say anything to them. However, they are both intelligent beasts and can add two and two.
I’m a bit troubled that they haven’t asked me any questions so far; I know I need to talk to them but don’t know how to begin, where to start, or what to say.
How do I explain the end of our marriage to two people who are going to be affected by that the most? I’ve been trying to write a perfect script for that, but no such thing exists.
I know that chaos is often used as a positive force, so I’ve been trying to use this time to decide what I want for myself and the girls and what steps to take to get that. However, the confusion isn’t making me productive even one bit.
To take my mind of thinking, deciding and immersing in chaos, I decided to clean the house from top to bottom.
To my greatest surprise, as I was cleaning the office, I discovered that my successful husband’s company was going down (welcome to the Brexit UK).
To my most profound horror, I found piles of unpaid bills and invoices. I think I know what all that means, but I don’t know what to do with it. I indeed will have to confront him about whatever that mess means to our girls. I haven’t said anything to any of my girlfriends, neither to my brother. I don’t think I can deal with more shame this year.
I have some savings and a couple of small investments I made before we were married. I’m not as helpless as Jim thought I was, but I’m scared of what will happen next.
All this sudden financial turmoil isn’t helping with my Christmas preparation. I haven’t done any shopping so far and have no idea what I should get for the girls. I’ve also been considering not cooking at all. We will have to wait and see how that pans out.
One stress adds to another.
In the past few weeks, I’ve become disillusioned by the school community.
As a protest, I didn’t help out during the Christmas Fair, neither went to the fair with the girls. Seeing Jim with her all over him would be just too much for me right now. (She did post all their selfies on Instagram.)
I’m trying to keep the girls as busy as I possibly can. We go for walks; nature has soothing effects on broken souls, and watch a lot of old, new, scary and funny movies. Stories seem to have bonding effects on us.
Since Jim and I still haven’t even started talking about co-parenting, or rather my parenting, as I won’t agree to any bloody parenting by her, I’m “fake” trying to be accommodating towards him.
One never knows what one may need for her divorce proceedings. Secretly, in the darkest parts of my heart, I want him to keep away from us. Currently, lots of my life energy and life force goes towards playing cool and being cool, so I’m not seen as “this angry ex-wife”, who is seeking revenge.
I’ll get my revenge on my terms, and in my own time. It will happen, I know it will.
But for the Christmas period, I’m putting my revenge plans on hold and focusing on writing my 2019 wish list, full of hopes, wishes and dreams so the Goddess of 2019 can hear me out.