Chapter 4

Read Chapter 3 “So The Drama Begins”

The Investigation

October 9th, 2018

I still don’t know if I feel sad, perhaps shocked, or merely disappointed that Jim has been seeing someone behind my back. I know I should be outraged, but it’s not in me, I can’t find it. I knew I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t realise that we, as a couple, weren’t happy either. In reality, I don’t think we have spoken in… I can’t even remember when was the last time we did talk about something else than the school runs, children, and the school community.

I guess the romance died down at some point for us. But seeing Christina behind my back is humiliating. He always knew how much I hate that woman, all her petty conflicts, unkindness, and general bitchiness. She is everything I’m not. She is focused on her own career and social progress, something Jim repetitively said he didn’t like women focusing on once they become mothers.

In Jim’s book on motherhood, there was never anything in the middle; everything was either black or white.

He always kept bragging to anyone who would listen that he worked hard so I could be home with the children. But at home, he slowly began increasing the pressure on me to start to bring in the income.

He wasn’t always money and status-driven. He used to be supportive, especially when he was starting, and we had to live off my single salary. However, over the past two years, he’s changed. He became easily irritated, demanding and unforgiving when it came to making mistakes. I put this outrageous behaviour on pressure and work-related stress, but maybe there was something much more to it than that.

I don’t think I can point out to one moment when we drifted apart. There must have been many small moments that added up.

But seeing HER is a shitty move. I can’t understand why, from all the women on Earth, he decided to go out with her. She is fucking the worst, patronising and superior to the rest of us. I HATE HER; I HATE HER; I HATE HER!!!

Katy suggested that I should spy on Jim. According to her, I should investigate (believe me she has heaps of experience investigating her partners) what that thing between the two of them is. Is it a beginning of romance or a full-blown up affair? And what that means for us: a divorce, a separation, a re-union (no way!!!)?

As for me, I don’t know what I should do. I must confront him, but for now, I’m too scared to hear the truth. Besides, I’m very worried that I’m not able to provide for the girls. I’m entirely and fully dependent on Jim financially. How did I get myself into that I still don’t know? I was always so independent, pioneering women in every place I worked and now… I’ll have to start all over again.

How does one start all over again after turning 40 and being out of the workforce for years?

October 10th, 2018

Since yet again, Jim “worked late” last night, I’ve decided to take Katy’s advice and investigate how far that “thing” with Christina has gone. How long the two of them have been making a fool of me and how long I have been a laughing stock of the entire school? This situation is so humiliating on every possible level.

When I don’t think about the two of them, I feel pretty good, but the moment I start thinking about the shame, I can feel my anger growing. When the anger subsides, it makes room for the agonising pain that follows right after. I don’t know if the pain is caused by the realisation that our relationship may be over or that my pride has taken a serious hit.

Every time I go through emotional upheaval, I stop eating, but I guess losing a bit of weight will do me good. Maybe I’ll be able to fit into some of my fancy pre-pregnancy clothes and skinny jeans. Skinny jeans and heels would be nice for starting all over again.

Jim didn’t know that I was still awake when he got back last night. I could hear his every move. It’s sickening to know that your partner is lying to you every morning when he leaves the house and every night when he gets back.

It’s not even the fear that our life together is coming to an end; it’s the blatant lying, the fact that after all those years together he has no respect for me and chooses to be with someone opposite to who I’m and to what I represent.

I know myself well enough to know that the odds of me being able to carry on our relationship the way it was before I found out are non-existing. Despite all the fear and anxiety, I experience regarding the financial aspect of my new life.

However, before I make any long-term, life revolting decisions, I just need to know for sure what he’s been doing, how far the thing has gone, and why he is doing it with her!!! Christina and I have always openly hated one another. He can certainly forget about seeing his kids if she is around.

I also won’t allow her to make me feel like a victim. I’m not a victim; I’m choosing… I’m choosing me. She wants him, she can have him, but not before I’m done taking every single bit of what is mine.

But I do need to investigate to stop the anxiety from spreading and taking over my body and mind.

This morning I told my girlfriends that I was ready to investigate Jim and Christina and whatever is going on between them.

However, our conversation got quickly interrupted when Christina and the rest of her gang strode in. She can have Jim, but she is surely not going to take my cafe. The fight is on.

Move on to Chapter 5 “The Brief History”