Chapter 19

Read Chapter 18 “My First Date In Years”

The Date and Other Things on My Mind

May 15th, 2019

My date with Ben was terrific. Oh My God, I sooooo needed to relax, leave the crazy busy everyday reality behind, and have a little fun that didn’t involve the usual family activities.

I’ve almost forgotten how awesome it feels to be wined and dined. Jim and I stopped making an effort a long time ago. We focused solely on ‘family’ life and business, in his case. Yeah, ‘family life’ my ass. Spending time together stopped being important, or maybe we both had changed so much that we didn’t want to be alone together. Growing apart so much and so fast is never a good sign.

But Ben is fun, full of energy, and so, so young 😊. He is hot, looks after himself and enjoys life’s simple pleasures. Sitting across the table from him, hearing his enthusiasm made me feel like I was 25 again, full of dreams and with “can do’ attitude that I thought was never going to expire.

I didn’t end up taking him home, even though I wanted, and sex was on my mind most of the night. We did a bit of kissing, but I couldn’t go any further than that. Well, maybe next time with someone more of a stranger, so that I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about myself, and of the fact how much he already knows about my family and me.

I think, damn I hope (!) Ben was a bit disappointed at the end of the evening, but you know what? I stopped caring what men think and want. The break-up with Jim made me more selfish and self-focused (my recommendation for every woman, especially mums, is one daily selfishness act). I was way too giving in my previous wife-mother reincarnation. Life can change in an instant, and one terrible break-up can make you stronger than you ever thought you could be.

I’ve been reading a lot about basic income recently and started wondering how much effort it will require for me to create basic income for us right here, in London. Being outside of London scares me to bits, but in reality, what choice do I have? Maybe life in the slow lane won’t be that scary after getting used to the slow lane.

I’ve been having a tough time sleeping. I don’t have problems falling asleep, but then, all of a sudden, I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep until early morning hours. I keep tossing and turning before finally putting lights on. Unfortunately, reading doesn’t put me to sleep either, nor does listening to calming music or meditation. There is so much on my mind that pinning one major issue that keeps me awake seems like an impossible task. I need to get more sleep; otherwise, I’ll be impossible in a few short days.

I’ve sent my CV and sample work to every publication I could think of. Now the waiting game begins. I’m not the most patient person on the planet, and if I don’t know what is happening and I can’t plan, I feel lost. So, this particular exercise in waiting is draining my energy resources.

I finally managed to watch the Brene Brown talk on Netflix. I forgot how much I loved her. So much of what she was saying made sense. However, the implementation of the stuff she talked about will take me ages. I spend a lot of my life trying to be in control or trying to have the illusion of control, so a mere thought of having none of that freaks me out.

For quite some time now, I’ve tried my best to convince myself that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. However, it’s hard to comprehend that I could be in such a mess so late in life.

None of the people I had known in the girls’ school has been in touch with me. Once again, I hoped that at least Jenny (I’ve known her the longest, and we always seemed to be connected on a different level) was going to be different and not allow the crowd dictate what to do. But I guess, being part of the group is more important than relationships and friendships. Just thinking about all this makes me very sad.

Since I needed to cut off from the school (I felt I was suffocated just thinking about this bloody place), I had to borrow more money from my brother to pay off all the fees. I closed the door on this failed experiment, and the three of us can finally embrace the home-schooling for as long as I have the energy for it.

I’ve already started researching schools for the girls, and we may go and visit a couple before the half term. Yes, another half-term is just around the corner. Parent’s life is all about manoeuvring around half-terms and holidays. Honestly, if you don’t have a good support system or enough money to pay for the support, you are royally fucked.

Move on to Chapter 20 “Homeschooling Efforts”