Chapter 23

Read Chapter 22 “Jim Wants to Talk”

Pushing Through the Comfort Zone

June 15th, 2019

The past two weeks have been exceedingly intense. At first, I decided to let go of my need to control every single aspect of my life, which led me to some highly unexpected results. First of all, I travelled with the girls to a place I never thought I would and could have enjoyed. For a city girl like me, spending a week in a rural countryside was surely pushing my comfort zone way out.

Last week Jim surprised me with a meet-up request and asked if we could get back together. I’m still having a hard time trying to figure out what he hoped was going to happen. I try to devote as little time to this wondering as I humanly can, but I do wonder. And just today I got an email from the teaching company I applied to, while in Poland. They want to hold a Skype interview with me. I know it’s excellent news, even though I still don’t know what my answer would be if they offered me the job.

In the past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about being afraid of making decisions, while cultivating the art of painfully prolonged periods of indecisiveness. Unfortunately, my indecisiveness has dominated most of the past ten years of my life, leading me to falsely hoping life or circumstances could undeniably decide for me, instead of making the conscious decision myself.

When I look back at my life, I can honestly admit that I’ve been too comfortable in my comfort zone to venture outside, the fear of the unknown was too strong to concur. The anxiety and fear of expanding my comfort zone kept me safe and unchallenged in the same place for years.

Since I feel calmer on the inside and somehow rested, I can see that the answer to my prayers isn’t a bag of “magic beans” but pro-activity.

I finally decided to stop doing the same stuff over and over again. I tend to get stuck on a loop for years before I finally have enough courage to redirect my focus into different activities.

In the past, I began a lot of projects, which I often abandoned halfway through, believing that because it didn’t work out right away, that particular idea wasn’t good enough. Now I can see that the fear and anxiety were taking over my thinking process.

The “safe” and “secure” ways of the old me wouldn’t even dream of pushing my comfort zone. The artificial busyness created by lists and tasks made my brain, soul and body believe in my pretend pro-activity. But whatever that was, it wasn’t real. At the beginning of this year, I promised myself to dear greatly. I’m willing to take the risk, be pro-active even if it feels scary at first.

Taking a hard, critical look at my life and myself was way overdue. I’ve been caught up in the catch 22 for way too long. What the future will hold, I have no idea. Alas, for now, I feel that standing still, while trying to absorb my new emerging personality while learning how to dare greatly is the right decision.

I got in touch with one of the schools I thought would be suitable for the girls. However, getting into a mainstream school isn’t as straightforward as I remembered from when I was young, or at least this is how I remember that time, maybe my parents see it differently.

The process seems unnecessarily long and bureaucratic. It feels disheartening and depressing in all honesty.

The worst part to me is that I’m not even dealing with the school directly, but with the council. Anyone who has ever had any dealings with any local authority will know that the process is painfully long and often one-sided.

The whole concept of going through the application process scares me immensely. But I guess this is where the new me should come in and not be afraid to step out of my comfort zone. 

Move on to Chapter 24 “Saying Yes Is an Art Form”