Read Chapter 6 “Passive Aggressive Parents”
November 14th, 2018
I’ve been really good this week and went to the gym every morning after the drop-off. Jim doesn’t know I’m exercising and juicing. I’ve done juicing before, but it’s as hard as the first time. In my case, cleansing is always a good start before cutting down on carbs (my mortal enemies).
I know that from the outside, it may look like I’m re-inventing myself for Jim.
But for a change, I want to go back to being healthy for me. Of course, I’m secretly hoping to fit into my skinny jeans once again. If in the process, my shattered confidence goes up a notch that would be fantastic.
My looks have always had a massive influence over my confidence. Ever since I was a teenager and started understanding that supermodels were something else altogether (in my teenage eyes, they were immortal goddesses), I became ashamed of my short legs and broad hips. For years I hated every bit of food I put in my mouth.
After my second child was born, my body became so hideous that I started hiding in baggy, shapeless clothes.
The less confident I felt the less sex I wanted to have. At some point, Jim and I even stopped trying to pretend that we want to do it. In all honesty, I don’t think our marriage is saveable. But whatever has happened between us isn’t an excuse for his affair with Christina.
With each day, the school runs are becoming more challenging. Christina is working overtime to make sure I feel uncomfortable and out of place at school.
Over the past few weeks, she became more cocky and unpleasant towards me than she used to be. She’s always been a bully, but now she took her bullying tactics to an entirely new level.
A lot of my energy goes towards not kicking her fucking stupid skinny ass. The rest goes towards pretending that I still have some dignity left, which I’m not too sure I do.
However, not everything seems to be going down the hill for me. I started saying ‘no’ more often to parents, who asked me if I could have their kids over after the school for a play date. I used to oblige to every single request and often the girls, and I, wouldn’t have a free afternoon together for weeks.
But I can’t any more. I can’t pretend that I enjoy being taken advantage of. Looking after my own kids is exhausting enough. Besides I’m more than certain, the whole school knows about my beloved, and his “new found love”. It makes me even angrier that in a school that praises the community spirit so much, no one said anything to me.
Playdates have always been encouraged by the class teachers. Most parents have always gone along with that, giving a lot, and expecting very little in return. At first, I didn’t mind having other kids over. I wanted my girls to make friends, especially outside the school settings. But with time, I noticed that some parents took advantage of the whole notion more often than others and never offered to look after my girls.
Since I wanted and needed to be liked, I went along agreeing to every single play date, even though I was unhappy with myself for not being able to say “no”.
However, since the start of the new school year, I’ve tried my hardest not to go out of my way to accommodate everyone’s requests. Besides, the girls have a solid small group of friends and those people matter. I must teach them that doing stuff for others just to be liked is a massive mistake.
Small steps usually lead to a big change, so, hopefully, my tinny steps will lead me out of the darkness.
November 16th, 2018
Today, right after the pick-up, the girls and I decided to go out for tea. The daily routine (school runs, shopping, housework, writing just for a bit, and cooking) is driving me crazy. There is only so much of that boring day-to-day reality one person can take.
My new gym and eating regime has given me the will power to do more outside of the house. Breaking with the routine is my new motto. Both of my girls are big pizza fans, so we ended up going for pizza just off Covent Garden.
We took our time eating; as a family, we usually rush with everything, but there was no time pressure.
Jim kept calling me, but I didn’t care. I didn’t pick up the phone, neither texted him to let him know where we were. He always tells lies anyway, so why should I listen to it.
Halfway through our ice cream, Emily, our younger daughter, who is turning nine next year, asked: “Are you going to divorce daddy?”
I was caught off guard, and since I didn’t know what to say, I just dismissed her concerns with a stupid: “Don’t be silly, dear”.
I wonder what she knows. Does it show that we are together but not really together, or maybe Christina’s monster child has been saying some shitty stupid bullshit around the school?